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  • Writer's pictureKaitlyn Harville

No Exceptions

Updated: Mar 19, 2020


2019 was a weird year. So much changed. I lived a life I could have only dreamed of for some of it. I lived a life of nightmares for some of it. Regardless of the dreamlike/nightmarish quality of 2019, one thing is certain. I lived a life of Abundance.


You may recall that abundance was my word of the year for 2019. And you may recall that I learned a lot about God's promise of abundance rather than earthly fulfillment of abundant living. 2019 brought with it a fair amount of struggle as I learned the art of leaning into promise and aching for realization of those promises, but it also brought about a fair amount of joy as I saw glimpses of fulfillment.


As 2019 closed, I wasn't sure what would be my new word of the year. Abundance had been a glaringly obvious choice for me, and there wasn't anything sticking out quite that same way as we were entering 2020. I briefly considered not choosing a new word for 2020, and even more briefly considered keeping abundance as my word for 2020. I did, however, eventually choose a new word.


Worth.


I chose this word for several reasons, most of which revolve around an ever present question to myself about my own self-worth. I am growing to realize that a lot of my negative behaviors stem from a negative self-image. Those who know me best have seen glimpses (or, dare I say it, even glaringly obvious moments) of this very concept.


I'm working in counseling on reconstructing my own view of myself. But one of the most important things that has happened recently, and the thing that really solidified worth as my new word of the year, was something my Velcro Grandfather said. He and I were Facetiming in December and we were discussing some recent events in my life. It all came back around to this concept of how I view my own self-worth. He said, "You know, my dear, you are not special."


At first glance, you may think this to be a counterintuitive statement. If you are trying to reassure someone of their value as a human, you may not think to tell them that they aren't special. But he did. And it was exactly what I needed to hear.


You see, I'm not special. What I mean by that is that when God looks at me, when the God of the Universe sees Kaitlyn Brianna Harville, there isn't anything special in view. There is the same Love and Mercy that flows from God to me as there is with every other part of Creation. God doesn't look at me and see an exception to Grace or Goodness. God doesn't look at me and see someone who is deserving of "less than" merely because of who I am.


My worth is not something that either increases or decreases in God's eyes based on what I've accomplished or what I know or what I'm good at or productive in. My worth is already set in God's eyes. I am Beloved.


Abundance and Worth are tied together in my mind. God is a God of abundant love, and that love isn't going anywhere. My worth isn't tied to what people think of me or my own competency in life. My worth is tied to the fact that God loves me so abundantly.


I'm writing this post realizing that it will be a long struggle, one that will last perhaps the rest of my life, to see myself as something not an exception to the love of God or God's people. I have not attained the self-image that I'd like to have, but I know I'm growing into it. And thank goodness for people to remind me that I am, indeed, not special.

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