"perhaps
i don't deserve
nice things
cause i'm paying
for sins i don't
remember"
~rupi kaur
As he [Jesus] walked along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “Neither this man nor his parents sinned; he was born blind so that God’s works might be revealed in him.We must work the works of him who sent me while it is day; night is coming when no one can work. As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world.” When he had said this, he spat on the ground and made mud with the saliva and spread the mud on the man’s eyes, saying to him, “Go, wash in the pool of Siloam” (which means Sent). Then he went and washed and came back able to see. The neighbors and those who had seen him before as a beggar began to ask, “Is this not the man who used to sit and beg?” Some were saying, “It is he.” Others were saying, “No, but it is someone like him.” He kept saying, “I am the man.” But they kept asking him, “Then how were your eyes opened?” He answered, “The man called Jesus made mud, spread it on my eyes, and said to me, ‘Go to Siloam and wash.’ Then I went and washed and received my sight.” They said to him, “Where is he?” He said, “I do not know.”
John 9:1-12
Who sinned?
Who's fault is it?
Who is to blame?
The questions spiral.
Was it my fault?
What did I do wrong?
Did I screw it all up?
The questions stop. Accusations begin.
I messed this up.
It's my fault.
I don't deserve nice things.
I've been staring at these questions for the better part of an hour. I've stared even longer at the accusations. I write a few lines, then delete them. Knowing that they are too raw for me to give you, dear reader, just yet. So what is there to say?
To be completely honest, I am not sure that I don't believe the poem above. Sometimes I get into the rut about my own self worth. You know the one, because perhaps you've worn the same pathway in your mind. "I'm not good enough. I don't deserve the nice things. Look at what I've done... how could I ever deserve something good?"
And then I turn to Scripture. I know there is Truth there that transcends my temporary emotions. And I find this story about a blind man.
Who sinned?
It's the question that the disciples ask Jesus, but no doubt the question reverberated around and in the blind man. He had likely heard that question enough that he'd internalized it. And the questions would spiral. Then stop. And then accusations would begin. And perhaps he too became convinced that he didn't deserve nice things.
But Jesus...
Jesus saw him. Knew him. For all his shortcomings. For all his failures. For all his questions. And for all his accusations. And Jesus said none of that even mattered. The sin wasn't the point. The mistakes weren't the point. The point was that God's work be done through this man. God's work is about wholeness, and what better way of displaying wholeness to this world than restoring a broken person?
My dear friends, we have sinned. We are broken people with baggage weighing us down. We feel the crush of mistakes... the failure breaks our spirits. But I really don't think that's the point.
Grace... Mercy... Love.
Love is the point. Jesus loved the blind man. Enough that he brought wholeness to his body. He showed him physically what God is all about - restoration. God is so in love with us. With you. And with me. And Jesus desires us to know our worth. We do deserve nice things, not because we haven't sinned. But because we are loved.