In my last post, I wrote about my growth in "overcoming" and all the progress I feel has been made. This post, on the other hand, recognizes that there is still a lot of progress to make in my life.
Within the last two weeks, I've felt for every step forward I take, I take three steps backwards. My failures seem to always be in front of me and it is increasingly difficult to hear words of love and grace as true. There are a number of reasons for this, and this really isn't the place to discuss those reasons. However, I hope this transparency is an open point of reference for others who are struggling right now. We aren't alone. We are torn, yes, but we can be torn together rather than torn apart.
I've reflected a lot on what I wanted my new word of the year to be for 2019. "Overcome" was such a powerful word for me that there's a part of me that feels inclined to find a word equally as powerful. There's a part of me that assumes if I overcame, if I conquered, if I grew to be victorious, then I should come up with a magnificent word describing my new state of triumph.
"Therefore, to keep me from being too elated, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me, to keep me from being too elated." 2 Corinthians 12:7
I've been reflecting on this passage, and frankly, I've been feeling it to the core of me. As life normally operates, I have experienced heights of happiness I had forgotten I could experience, and now I'm thrown back into the depths of emotions I'd rather not feel. A thorn, as it were. And in the midst of a thorn, naming your own progress and claiming your process of "overcoming" feels like a sham.
The fact is... I'm still struggling with various aspects of life and the unique set of challenges that are part of daily life for me. And just like I can't ignore the progress I've made, I also can't ignore the progress yet to be made. And so, what word could possibly encapsulate all this to give encouragement, hope, and admission of new growth to take place in 2019?
Abundance.
When I first started to consider this to be my new word of the year, I was still, as Paul would put it, rather elated. I was under the impression that my new word must be a word that denotes the continuation of the victories of life and leaves behind the struggle. Taken a certain way, "abundance" can live into that for me.
But, the past few weeks, as I've given the word time to sit with me in the midst of hurt and disappointment, I understand that this is indeed my new word of the year, but not because it is already fulfilled. It is, instead, the direction in which I must lean. The orientation of my heart and mind as I continue my next shaky steps.
I have had to recognize that I often live in a scarcity mindset. So often I rehearse dialogue in my mind about the "enough-ness" or lack thereof in my life. There's not enough love for me to be included. There's not enough power for me to succeed. There's not enough hope for me to move. There's not enough. I'm not enough.
But this dialogue is in direct opposition to the reality that is God's movement in this world. God is a God of abundance. God has seen the deficiencies of my life and grace closes the gap. God knows my shortcomings, and loves me anyway. I am enough. Despite the lies in my head, there is an abundance that God wants to offer me if I would just open myself up to it.
So. Here we are. 2019. New year. Same struggles. But I refuse to keep believing the lies that there's not enough. That I'm not enough. I choose, each day, to lean into the truth of God's abundance.