Better Boat in 2019

As 2018 comes to a close and 2019 dawns, I find myself drawn to this song. It seems to say a lot of what I've come to discover over the past year.

"I'm smiling more despite the pain" is a beautiful line of truth for me. 2018 was hard. I learned to cry and allow myself to feel all the emotions that I try so hard to cover up and hide from. I learned to manage those emotions when they come. I did a lot of hard work on myself and I grew in ways I can only say is the proof of God's work in my life. Through it all though, I've learned to smile. I've learned to feel the full breadth of human emotion, and that includes the highs just as much as the lows. Despite the pain that I still have in my life, I've reached a point of peace that I've never known before. And I know that as life goes on so will the waves of emotions. Some days in 2019 will be higher than I've known, and some days will be low. But despite those lows, I can smile knowing God's not failed me yet and I've no reason to believe God will start failing me now.

"I think I'm stronger than what I was." My word for 2018 was overcome. That's exactly what happened. I still can't quite believe what I've overcome within the past few months alone. In many ways, I've finally let go of things that were holding me back. I finally let go of my broken engagement. Not because it doesn't still hurt. Not because I don't still miss him almost every day. But because I've finally gotten to the point of believing that God still has purpose for me. I can still find life and love and depth and meaning in the little things of life, and just maybe I'll start seeing those in the big picture too. In this great "letting go" of my life I've finally started to see the "coming together" of puzzle pieces that I could only have dreamed of a year ago. I've learned a little bit more of what Christ means for us to take up our crosses and to lose our lives. And in that learning, I have found my life anew.

"Now and then I let it go I ride the waves I can't control If it's working I don't know When I get done, the thing may not float But I'm learning how to build a better boat"