This morning when I came into chapel and sat down, I couldn't help the smile that tugged at the corners of my mouth. I cleared my throat as a lump formed there. I glanced around the room, amazed. I am present among my sisters.
I think there was a part of me that was convinced this day would never come. I had grown accustomed to what my therapist and I have termed "living in limbo." For so long I have been waiting. First it was waiting until the next inquiry visit. Then it was waiting until an aspirant visit could happen. Then it was the agonizing wait until I finally heard back on the verdict of whether or not I was accepted to the Order. Finally it was the waiting of quarantine, where I was "here" but not.
But finally, on Thursday, June 18 I left my quarantine cottage. I looked up to see the most gorgeous rainbow in the sky. It arched high overhead, and landed squarely at the convent chapel. I stared with wide eyes at the sight before me, and I felt that old familiar tug at my heartstrings. I knew. God was present. It's a presence I've felt before, at various points in my life. And it was a presence I felt strongly as I emerged from my quarantined state.
It was the same presence that I'd felt when I visited OSH for the very first time. I remember looking around at each individual face in the chapel at Diurnum (noon prayer) one day, and I saw the most amazing sight. I saw, blurred as if behind a veil, the face of Christ behind each of the sisters' faces. I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Christ was present. Tears had welled up in my eyes then, and I had prayed silently. "Jesus, if you're here, I want to be here too."
I knew at that Diurnum service that I would come back to the Order of Saint Helena. I began to ache with a longing for life there among the sisters. I got a foretaste of what life would look like when I came for my aspirant visit and stayed for two weeks. But, at the end of those two weeks, I had to leave. I went back to living life as a barista. And I lived for months in limbo. In longing. In wishing. In waiting.
This morning, I smiled to myself as I sat down. Today was a big day. Today I was formally received as a postulant. The wait is finally over. Dawn has broken onto the landscape of my heart. I asked formally today in front of the sisters to be admitted as a postulant. To share the life of Christ in this community, and to test my vocation to the religious life. I shared my intent to be faithful in seeking God and the will of God for my life, to welcome the guidance offered to me, to participate in the life and work of OSH, and to hold OSH in my prayers. And I will, with God's help.
I felt a lump in my throat start to form as the Leadership Council took my hand and formally received me into the community. Then they led me to my spot in choir. And I cannot convey in any amount of eloquence what that spot means to me. But I'll try...
You see, for so long I have waited. I have pined for a place among the sisters. Since that first visit where I saw the face of Christ, I knew I wanted to be here. I wanted it with everything in me. And I prayed intently that God guide my feelings away from this community if it were not in God's will for me to be here. But my desire did nothing but grow until I was all but bursting with it.
Now, finally, I am here. Just typing that brings tears to my eyes. I have seen the fulfillment of my every hope and dream. I know that I am staring at the community with stars in my eyes, and I know that eventually the rose-colored lenses with which I view them now will fall away. I know that they aren't perfect, but that is good, because I'm not either. That means that we get to live imperfectly together, trying each day to live a little more into the image of the Divine.
I'm here. Present fully to the community just as they are for me. I am beyond thrilled to be stepping out in this new journey.