Looking at the Data

What does it mean to be human?

What does it mean to be me?

I've been asking these questions and working on my concept of self for as long as I've been in therapy. On a cosmic level, I have a certain world view that holds space for the inherent goodness of humanity. I believe that we are made in the Image of the Divine and with that Image we are stamped with dignity and honor and given the title of "beloved."

And yet, when I look at it on a personal level, I so often feel like the exception to that view. I look at myself and so often see only the shadow and shell of what "could be" or "should be." I see sin and folly, and in the pits of my worst despair I feel that it is vanity to attempt to be more than this.

Are the rough edges the only part of the story? Is there nothing more than to be covered by the shroud of despair? Is there anything redeemable about who I am? Is the "truth" of me only broken pieces?

My therapist tells me often that I need to "look at the data." She tells me to evaluate whole stories to find truth. She pushes me to look past the high emotion of a moment to evaluate from a "wise-mind" perspective. Thinking logically, looking at that data, even in the midst of conflicting emotion, helps me to see a more broad truth.

She's been encouraging me to write a letter to myself in which I affirm good and admirable qualities about myself. This is supposed to help me collect data points that I can fall back on later, helping me see a bigger picture than just what depression would tell me. I have found it difficult to write this letter.

I know there are qualities about myself that seem good, but they often feel overshadowed by the areas that... well... let's say, could use some work. It's been weeks since I was given the assignment to write the letter, and time and again I have put it off. My therapist has been gentle with me. She's been helping me process why this is a difficult assignment, giving me guidance and encouragement, and all the while not letting me off the hook. She still wants me to write the letter.

I'm going to be honest with you, dear reader. I still haven't written the letter. I have, however, come up with a way to, perhaps, bridge the gap in my mind between "knowing" I have certain good qualities and actually putting pen to paper to describe them.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. So I wondered, what if I pictured these qualities instead of wrote about them? What if I created something in which I told a part of the story of who I am? So, I did just that.

It's not cutting edge design work by any means, but it means a lot to me. It shows the first step of making the transition from "knowing" to "believing."

There's a lot of little details I put into this collage of images that I won't bother going into. But the one detail I want to discuss is the tape on the torn sheet of paper in the center. I chose to have torn paper and tape because that's how I feel about myself.

You see, even in my good qualities, I can't ignore the not-so-great qualities I possess. The "growing edges" as my sisters like to call them. I am broken in ways. Torn. But, I'm coming to realize that's not the whole story. The data shows me that there are areas of growth still on the horizon for me, but there are also areas that I've grown immeasurably in already. I'm torn, and yet taped together. I'm mending. I'm in process. I'm growing. I'm healing.

I write this post not to brag or to show off. I write this post because I have come to realize that a lot of us think one way about humanity at large and another way about ourselves. We often talk to ourselves in far more harsh ways than we would to others. I write this post to encourage you to, as my therapist says, look at the data. Are there areas where you're broken and torn? Of course. But are there ways you've healed and grown and flourished despite all that? Something tells me that answer is the same... Yes, of course.

We are all, each and every one of us, in process. But knowing that there's still work to be done doesn't negate the good already there within us. I encourage you to write a letter to yourself affirming your good qualities. Or perhaps you can just make a bullet-point list of them. Or draw them out. Sculpt them, even! However you do it, even if you can only find one quality right now, affirm something within you today.

You're in process. You are not where you will end up. But neither are you where you started from. Take heart, my friends, in the journey.