I write this post in a season of depression. It's not a new phase. I've experienced these before. And yet these mood shifts always feel like they take on a new twist each time. This time, the phase is characterized by tiredness.
My sleep patterns are erratic at best. Some nights I'm asleep at 8:30pm only to start waking up at 10pm as if it is time to begin the next day. I cat-nap in hour intervals throughout the night, tossing and turning and praying for rest. Other nights, I lie awake until well past 1am staring at the ceiling and willing sleep to come. Regardless of the pattern the night takes, I don't sleep much at all. And when I do finally drift off, I have nightmares that haunt me upon waking. These nightmares are sometimes of people who have abused or abandoned me in the past. Other times they are graphic depictions of trauma of varying sorts. Horrific images flash in my mind, leaving my thoughts reeling in my waking moments.
I'm exhausted physically, and yet that's no where near the worst part. I'm worn so thin emotionally right now. I start the day waking from nightmares and immediately have put my coping skills to work as I try to calm myself or comfort myself. Sometimes my emotions drift to the background of my being, and I almost forget my inner turmoil. Then suddenly, unbidden waves of unspeakable sadness crash into me. The waters of agony churn in my chest. I become paralyzed with the weight of emotion.
I don't want to give the depiction of utter despair, however. I've taken a commitment in this season to actively work on finding little joys each day. I can't think through the big, cosmic nature of joy right now. I can barely even remember happiness, let alone the pureness of joy. And so I am trying to look more on a micro-level. Each and every day, I try to think of at least one thing that makes me smile. And if that's too hard, I try to think of something I'm thankful for in life. It's a small thing, but it is sustaining me right now.
So I thought I'd share with you a few of the things I'm finding joy in right now in hopes that this will inspire you to also find little joys in your life.
1) I'm learning a new crochet technique right now. I'm making a coat that is using Tunisian crochet. The stitch itself is beautiful. The pattern I'm working through is complex enough to keep my attention without being so difficult that I despair. I'm excited to see the finished product, but I have a long way to go before it is done.
2) One of my sisters and I are playing in the kitchen and learning to make sushi. That is a food I've missed while sheltering at home. It has been fun to spend time with her while creating our own versions of popular rolls.
3) I'm getting more of an opportunity to be creative with my work in the Order. I'm starting to make some graphics, which is something I've not gotten much of a chance to do since leaving the Communications Team at FCC-JC.
4) We have a weekly game night that the novitiate is doing together. We have recently gotten some new games, and they are fun. I've even won a couple!
5) I ordered some blonde roast coffee, and I've really been enjoying that.
6) I've been trying to drink more water. To keep myself accountable, I downloaded an app that helps me track my water intake. Each time I finish a glass of water, I log it in the app and it gives water to a virtual plant. By reaching my water goal, I keep my plant healthy and growing. I've grown several plants now in the app, and have started a little virtual greenhouse. I get excited every time I watch my plants grow.
7) One of my sisters and I are watching a Netflix series together right now. The intro to the show has a great song, and we sing it together every time we watch it.
8) One of my old professors and friends sent me a book out of the blue. It's a novel, and I'm looking forward to starting that. It was very special to receive surprise mail.
9) I have two new mini Slinkies thanks to my old therapist. One sits in my choir stall, and I pass it through my fingers while praying.
10) I've started writing to a young man who is incarcerated. I'm enjoying having a pen-pal, and it means a lot to me to feel like I have a ministry growing outside of the convent.
None of these items are groundbreaking in any way at all. But they bring a small smile to my face. Even writing about them, I find the corners of my lips quirked upward in a soft and tender kind of happiness.
Little joys add up after a while. I know that this depression won't last forever. But the ability to find little points of happiness even in the bleakest of moments is something that I can build and sustain for years to come.
My prayer is that you will also take some time to find a little joy today, and every day after.
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