And they brought the boy to him. When the spirit saw him, immediately it convulsed the boy, and he fell on the ground and rolled about, foaming at the mouth. Jesus asked the father, “How long has this been happening to him?” And he said, “From childhood. It has often cast him into the fire and into the water, to destroy him; but if you are able to do anything, have pity on us and help us.” Jesus said to him, “If you are able!—All things can be done for the one who believes.” Immediately the father of the child cried out, “I believe; help my unbelief!”
Mark 9:20-24
For much of my life, I've thought in black-and-white terms. Things either are, or they are not. There is never a third way; never a both/and situation. Some people attribute this to Borderline Personality Disorder. Others think about my trauma history. Again others might say that this is merely my Evangelical Christian upbringing. What ever the reason behind it, I know it to be true. Much of life, I could not abide a flexible worldview.
By the time I got to seminary, I had heard often of the "paradox of faith in Christ." I heard it said on a regular basis that we live in an "already/not yet" fulfilled Reign of God. Christ already had conquered the powers of Death and Sin and had established a new world order. And yet the truth of the matter is that we still live in a world where grandpas die, and people get hurt, and it all feels like the same old muck and mess as always.
I've understood this paradox on an intellectual level for a long time. And at a certain level, I believe it. I believe that this Jesus still heals and raises to life again. I've seen it. But I've also seen the reality of death and felt the reality of heartbreak. I've seen the dissolution of relationships and the breakdown of what was supposed to last forever. I've seen anger rise between people and I've seen tears on the cheeks of those beloved to me. Sin and Death are still so prevalent. So how can I possibly believe that Jesus does a thing about it all?
I take my cue from the man in the Gospel passage above. Mark depicts, in my estimation, one of the most beautiful proclamations and requests of Scripture. It is the paradox. This father, this hurting, desperate father, brings his child to Jesus and his disciples. I picture him clutching his child, looking up at this travel-worn preacher and his rag-tag group of disciples. I picture him with dust on his feet from the trek to find healing; I picture tears at the corners of his eyes, threatening to spill over. And in that vulnerable space, he admits he believes. He holds a sick child and still he believes. But he doesn't stop.
I believe; help my unbelief.
Paradox at its finest. You see, this father knew something I have only just begun to figure out. Life isn't always black-and-white, clear-cut, this-or-that moments. Sometimes, there's belief and unbelief coexisting.
I wonder what life would look like for me and for you if we accepted that we can, in fact, believe in the Gospel truth that Jesus and the Reign of God brings life and light AND there is a reality to Sin, Suffering, and even Death. This man in the Gospel passage shows us that it's okay to doubt in the face of suffering. We can still claim our faith even as it is shaken.
Let us take heart in the proclamation, the hope, the doubt of this father.
And let us take heart in the paradox that is life in Christ.
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